QUALITY JOKES AND STORIES

     At the request of a caller, I am offering here the text of
some stories I have used successfully during my quality presenta-

tions, classes, seminars, workshops, and speeches. I invite
callers to provide more--we all need to share our successful
tools.
     
     Worth mentioning in passing is some rules of thumb I have
developed for myself about using jokes and stories:

     1. Never offend anyone in the audience. Don't tell ethnic or
minority stories--ever! Don't tell off-color stories if anyone is
likely to be offended (a rare circumstance these days). Never
ridicule, belittle, kid, or make fun of any individual in the
group, even gently. The only safe butt of my joke is myself.

     2. Don't entertain. That's not why they invited me here to
speak. If my story doesn't make a point relevant to the purpose
of my presentation, don't tell it.

     3. One liners are more effective than set-piece jokes. I
must keep a dozen or so ready in my mind so that when the oppor-

tunity presents itself I can use them to relax the group or raise
the level of positive feeling. Some examples:

     Nothing is difficult for the man who doesn't have to do it
     himself.

     Never attribute to malfeasance what can be explained by
     stupidity.

     Things could be so different if they were not as they are.

     Any number over three confuses me.

     [When I ask a question and get no response:] Don't all speak
     at once!

     Why do I get the feeling we're not approaching a consensus
     here?

     When in doubt, obfuscate.

     4. A genuine smile or laugh from me is more effective than
any story to gain the confidence of the group. I must remember to
smile--a real problem for me since I go at my work with such
passion. Just remember, Tom, that life is too important to be
taken seriously.

     5. Making fun of myself is the best form of humor. People in
the group will see me as human and fallible, just like them,
instead of perceiving me as some intimidating expert, boring, or
the enemy.

     Before each of the stories written out below, I've included
in brackets the point I like to demonstrate by that story. You
may find other points the stories make. That's OK. Also feel free
to garnish, vary, adapt, and change the stories to suit your
style and the point you're making.

Stories:

[On the importance of being open with fellow workers]

     Calvin Coolidge, famous for his silence, had been to church.
When he returned, he said nothing about the service. His wife
prompted him. "What was the sermon about?" she asked. "Sin," Cal
answered. "Well, what did the preacher say about sin?" she asked
impatiently. "He was against it," Cal told her.

                                  *  *  *

[On the importance of considering all the relevant data]

     Calvin Coolidge and his wife were visiting a farm in the
mid-west. Because of the earthiness of some of the scenes they
would be seeing, the party agreed to divide into two groups, all
the men in one, all the women in the other. Mrs. Coolidge found
the chicken yard especially interesting. She noticed that there
was only one rooster. "How often does that rooster mate with a
hen?" she asked the embarrassed guide. "Three or four times each
day," he answered. "Really," said Mrs. Coolidge, obviously im-

pressed. "Would you be kind enough," Mrs. Coolidge said confiden-

tially to the guide, "to point that out to the President when he
comes through?" In due time, the President and his group arrived
at the chicken yard. "Mrs. Coolidge," the guide said uncomfort-

ably, "asked me to point out to you, sir, that this rooster mates
three or four times a day." "I see," Coolidge said. "Tell me,
son, does the rooster always mate with the same hen?" "Oh, no,
sir. Always with a different hen." "Would you be so kind," the
President said confidentially, "to point out that fact to Mrs.
Coolidge?"

                                  *  *  *

[On the importance of being honest if you want to lead]

     Historians generally agree that Franklin Delano Roosevelt
was a near-great leader--only near great because he had one
serious flaw: he wasn't as honest as he could have been. And
there's a story that demonstrates the point:
     One day Franklin and Eleanor were in the Oval Office having
tea. An aide burst into the room and said, "Excuse me, Mr.
President, but John L. Lewis from the labor union is here and
demands to speak to you at once. Franklin said, "Show him in."  
John L. Lewis strode into the room, all working man bluster and
bushy eyebrows. "Mr. President," he shouted, "you have got to do
something about management. They have become completely unreason-

able. They refuse to negotiate. Why in the coal fields, workers
are ready to go into open rebellion. You must act!"
     Franklin looked at him and said, "John, I want you know how
deeply I appreciate your bringing this matter to my attention. I
can't understand why my staff hasn't given me a memo on the
subject. But I'm with you on this. I understand your position.
And I want you to know that my door is always open for you to let
me know when things like this are happening."
     Lewis was mollified and left. Franklin and Eleanor returned
to their tea. Then the aid came into the room again. "Mr. Presi-

dent," he said, "I apologize for interrupting you again, but
George Stevens of U.S. Steel is here and demands to see you at
once." Franklin said, "Show him in." George Stevens, six-foot-
two, silver at the temples, dressed immaculately in a quiet suit
and subdued tie, walked majestically into the room. "Mr. Presi-

dent," he said quietly, "you have got to do something about the
labor unions. They have become completely unreasonable. They
refuse to negotiate. Why, in the coal fields, workers are ready
to go into open rebellion. You must call out the National Guard."
     Franklin looked at him and said, "George, I want you know
how deeply I appreciate your bringing this matter to my atten-

tion. I can't understand why my staff hasn't given me a memo on
the subject. But I'm with you on this. I understand your posi-

tion. And I want you to know that my door is always open for you
to let me know when things like this are happening."
     George Stevens was mollified and left.
     Well, Eleanor had been watching this whole performance.
"Franklin," she said, "I'm surprised at you! You gave each of
those men the impression you were on his side. That's not hon-

est!"
     Franklin looked at her and said, "Eleanor, I want you know
how deeply I appreciate your bringing this matter to my atten-

tion. I can't understand why my staff hasn't given me a memo on
the subject. But I'm with you on this. I understand your posi-

tion. And I want you to know that my door is always open for you
to let me know when things like this are happening."

[After a decent interval, I intend to use Bush and Barbara as the
protagonists of this story.]

                                  *  *  *

[On the danger of using the old solutions to new problems]

     I don't know if you know it or not, but two members of your
group--I'll call them Joe and Al to protect the innocent--travel
north of the Arctic Circle every spring to hunt caribou. They've
been doing it for years, an annual ritual. Well, last spring they
did as they have always done and hired a small airplane with a
pilot to fly them into the wilds to their favorite spot. They
landed early in the morning on an open space among the high snow
covered hills and began their day of hunting. They were unusually
successful and came back late in the day with a huge haul of dead
caribou. The pilot took one look at the pile of carcasses and
said, "Guys, there's no way I can fly out of here with that load.
We're going to have to leave most of it behind." Joe and Al
consulted privately for a moment, then came back to the pilot.
"We'll double your fee," they said, "if you'll fly us and our
caribou out of here." "No way," the pilot said. "It's just too
much weight." "We'll triple your fee," Joe and Al pleaded.
"Sorry," the pilot responded. Joe and Al consulted again and
finally came back to the pilot. "We'll pay you ten times your fee
if you'll fly us and our take out of here." That gave the pilot
pause. He thought for a minute, looked at the caribou, looked at
the hills all around them, and finally said, "OK. Put what you
can in the back of the plane and strap the rest on underneath."
     Well, Joe and Al and the pilot labored until they had all
the caribou strapped on. Then they got in the plane. The plane
chugged along on the ground in the open space gradually gaining
speed. It strained its two little engines, and gradually the it
rose into the air. It just barely cleared the top of the hill,
then faltered and came down for a resounding crash in a snow
bank. Joe and Al struggled out of the plane, dug themselves out
of the snow bank, and brushed the snow off themselves. Then they
looked around. "Jeez, Al," Joe said wiping the snow from his
face. "Where do you think we are?" "I dunno," Al said, cleaning
the snow from his glasses and putting them back on. He looked
around. "I reckon," he said, surveying the terrain, "we're about
ten miles north of where we crashed last year."

                                  *  *  *

[On the importance of recognizing that we, the managers, are the
problem]

     Lucky had led a dissolute life. Now he lay dying. And beside
him sat his faithful wife, Ethel. "Remember, darlin'," Lucky
began, reminiscing, "how I got kicked out of high school for
using drugs? Those were bad times. But, darlin', you were there
for me. Then I went into the Army, remember? After only two
months I got a dishonorable discharge. But you were *there*! Then
I got a job, remember? Things were going to be better. But they
fired me for stealing after the first week--but you were there.
Then we started our own business. That lasted until I went to
prison for embezzlement. Even then, you were there." Lucky
stopped, placed his hand over Ethel's. He looked up at her with
tears in his eyes. "No matter what happened, Ethel, you were
there. You know something, Ethel?" Lucky raised himself up his
elbows. "You know something? You're really bad luck!" 

                                  *  *  *

[On becoming too narrowly focussed and boring your fellow quality
travellers]

     I don't know if you know it or not, but about six months
ago, Sam, Henry, [use the names of your co-presenters or the
heads of the group] and I were captured by terrorists. They told
us they were going to execute each of us, but we could have one
last wish.
     Sam, bless his heart, asked for a good meal and a chance to
telephone his wife. My request was to deliver one last time my
presentation on leadership. When they came to Henry, he said,
"Shoot me first. I'd rather die at once than to have to listen to
Glenn's leadership presentation again!"

     [The famous variant on this story is a Frenchman, A Japa-

nese, and an American. The American says, "Shoot me first. I'd
rather die at once than listen to the Japanese preach about
quality again."]